Tuesday, March 27, 2007

The Dogs

woke me at 5 a.m. - perfect timing.  I don't even know if it was my dogs, but it scared the hell out of me and George, too.

At any rate, it's Tuesday.  Only 3 more days until my interview, and you know...I don't care if I get the job or not.  Monica, who drives me nuts (there are very few people who drive me nuts, but she is one of them because of her incessant chatter and she knows everything about everything), came rushing to where I was transcribing, burst into the room, interrupted Dr. E in the midst of a very complicated-to-interpret term and said - "You didn't tell me you had applied for the position!"  She has an interview, too, and has made it her business to eavesdrop outside of doors to find out who else is on the list.

No, I didn't tell ANYbody, because it's nobody's business but mine.  But through Monica, I have become aware of who is in the in-house interviews, whether I wanted to know or not. 

I like the ladies who are on the list.  One of them is miserable in her current position, and I wish her well.  When Monica heard that particular woman was going to interview, she ran to the HTMA and said she might withdraw because she wanted that lady to get the job.

That was sweet, but you know what?  I figure that if someone else is right for the job, my interview won't make a bit of difference.  The job is already theirs.

In the meantime, Monica is plying the HTMA with cake and picking up his mail, having decided she won't withdraw, after all.

And in the meantime, she was in my little transcription cave, keeping me from doing my work by spouting off about the upcoming questionfest, and she said - I'm enjoing this little competition between us all.

I looked her dead in the eye and told her - I'm not competing with you.

And I'm not.  I have an interview on Friday.  I will answer their questions and ask some of my own, but I'm not particular about the job.  The only reason I applied was because I thought I could be of use there, and if one of the other ladies gets the job, I will be thrilled for them.

Even Monica.  I guess.

Friday, March 23, 2007


change is a subtle creature that winds around the soul.  often, its presence is discovered with a contrasting thunderbolt of realization, and a sense of wonder at its stealth.

- me

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

a few minutes to myself.

I like it when it's quiet enough to hear myself think.  Most people do - that's downtime for rejuvenation.  And there's a lot going on that needs rejuvenating from.

Uncle Julian passed away Monday night.  Bless and rest his soul...he was all alone.  That just wasn't right.  Someone could and should have been with him.  I stayed away out of respect for the family, thought they would want that time to say their goodbyes and spend whatever amount of time they could with him.  Not so.  I don't know the why's.  It isn't for me to judge, but I hate that he was alone when he left the world.

I think about his house - it needs repair.  I'm sure he was unable to care for it the last few years he was there.  But it's something, isn't it, that people can live in a house all those years and suddenly they're gone.  The walls...can you imagine the old laughter, conversation or tears in those walls.  And now it sits there, all those sounds are covered by a thick layer of dust. White silence.

And today is another day.  Life goes on.  We go to work, do our jobs while an era disappears, little by little.  One person at a time.

This is much too heavy.

I have much work to do today, and I should get ready for it.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

letters to nobody....just emptying the clutter.

I don't care which way the time change swings, it messes with your body clock.

I'm accustomed to going to bed around 11, so when midnight rolls around, I'm just starting to wind down.  It caught up with me last night, though, and I was out like a light before 8:30. 

My boss, who knows everything about everything that ever happened, existed, or will happen in the future and how to make a phone book better than the phone company, asserts that daylight savings time originated in europe.  it may have, i'm not so fascinated by the topic that I've been spurred to research.  All I know is, I wish the time would be left one way or the other.

Perhaps it's the static jet lag, but I am in a strange mood this week.  I feel a bit detached.  Others have said - you seem a bit distracted.  Nooooo, I'm not distracted.  I'm concentrating on getting my work done, preparing for the Big Inspection that's coming up (we were told to clear out desk drawers of stuff that isn't Kosher - like what? ketchup packets?).

 I admit, when I first came back to the hospital, I discovered that all the "real" scissors had been confiscated and replaced with safety scissors - which is understandable.  It IS  a prison.  But while rummaging through my new/old desk drawer, I found REAL scissors.  Scared the hell out of me.  What if we should have an inspection and they discovered the contraband cutting instrument in my desk drawer?  I was all about turning them in when my boss said - no, don't.  Keep them!  BULL.  I locked them in the closet, wrapped up and hidden under a few boxes and ink pens.  I should have wiped my fingerprints off.

But I am in a strange kind of mood.  I just want to get my work done.  I don't care to hear the word "stupid" used to describe a situation, a person, or a task.  I don't want to hear the names of people I like/respect being used in denigrating sentences that go on  and on and on...and I'm struggling to remain positive. 

Y'know, I like people, mostly.  There is something good in almost everybody, and it isn't that hard to feel respect, and to realize that there are aspects of their jobs that 1. I don't know about.  2.  Are none of my business.  And it isn't fair for anyone presume or proclaim that other departments do nothing all day.  How could anyone know?

It could be a lot worse.  A LOT worse.  So I'll wash my hair, do my makeup, go to work and seem to be distracted all day.  For all anyone else knows or presumes to know, I could be in a zone where negativity does not affect me.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Made it!

It wasn't such a bad day, after all.  The census has been low at work, not many discharges and hardly any admissions for the last few days.  That seems to be the part of my job I like least - taking care of the census.  Pull the card or assign a medical record number, type in the information, make ID labels and bracelet and create a folder for admissions.  For discharges, you pull the folder from the filing room, tag it with the year sticker...type the info on the card and tag that.  Doesn't sound hard, does it?

I hate it.  I don't know why.

The best part of the job is transcription.  Man, can my fingers fly...it's a challenge, too, with the different accents and some of the terminology.  Neisseria meningitidis - a causative agent of meningitis.  See what I mean?  It's interesting.  It's meaty.  Makes me wish I had gone into some field of medicine, but I'm happy with the terminology, and I study from there, just so I'll know what the doctors are talking about, and because I am curious.

And now dinner is out of the way, and it's unwind time. 

Day 11 of the diet.  Sticking to it!


i am so tired.

if i could call in, i would, but don't want to use up hours that will be needed later when my parents will need me to take that time for them.

and there's so much that needs doing.  finish the transcription.  get ready for the inspection.  fill out applications.  get charts ready to send to health services.  do the filing.  help ms. horton.  i swear, carol would run the woman to death.

but it's so hard to get going.  some days, i feel every bit of my age + some.   yet, 48 isn't old...not TOO old.  is it?

gotta get ready to go.  damn it.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Starting Over.

I have around...3 weblogs - 4, if you count the one I set up on MSN and just can't seem to use.  I do, however, like their downloadable writing program.  Tinkering with it is fun.  BUT ANYWAY - I had originally created this one for poetry.  And then I decided, since it was low profile and nobody really knows about it, I would use it for whatever.  Yes, I could do the same thing privately, but you know what...it's a psychological thing.  I had gotten so used to having pen pals to write or posting on boards that somehow, I'm more prolific doing journals online than writing privately.  Perhaps this little blog is a step toward that.  And now that I have worked through self-analysis (omigod, that could take years), down to business.

I am a vain creature.  I like sparkles, bangles and jangles and dangly jewelry, make-up and am forever on a diet and falling off the wagon after significant weight loss.  It's definitely not a healthy way, but I've done it again.  My jeans are getting snug.  Not only that, but I have noticed (ouch) that the tendon at the back of my right ankle has become increasingly painful.  And I noticed I was shuffling when I walked, or limping and that just won't do.  And walking up the hill to the hospital every morning (have you ever noticed that most hospitals are built on top of hills) left me so breathless, I prayed that nobody would say good morning in the hallway, because that meant I would have to speak.  Try speaking when you still can't breathe.

At the other prison, I was up and down stairs all day.  I could sprint across to the other units in no time flat, and boy was my butt tight.  All that was a year ago, March 1, and now it's time to get myself back on track before hospital life kills me.

I started south beach diet (again) 1 week ago.  The fatigue is improved, my foot doesn't hurt so much and I breathe better coming up the hill.  That's after 1 week, mind you.  I have begun an exercise program, but still have a way to go on that.  I'm just not disciplined enough.

And I have noticed...little things we do for ourselves help, too.  Lipstick.  That makes me feel a bit better about appearance.  A long soak in the tub (when there's time).  A good book.  Hey, a facial and a new pair of earrings.  :-D

The important thing is health.  When you feel better and look better, you do a better job for everybody else, and that's what this is about.  For me, and the people who need me.