and so today...(this is like an affirmation) i will get the census caught up, get dr. schell's clinic done and hopefully get some discharge summaries rolling.
i could stay for hours.
roberta and i went in to work early this morning. rather, we went to ORT (officer refresher training) early, and we have already started the week off with overtime.
there is still no word on jean's daughter, and more and more, i'm afraid for her. i suppose at this point, it's more like a sad acceptance that she isn't coming home. how do you comfort a mother in this kind of loss? i don't think you can...
went to carol's tonight. i purchased a tv/vcr/fm radio from her for 15 bucks and let me tell you - that was a bargain. and so now th television is set up in the bedroom and i can fall asleep in front of it - why is sleeping always better in front of a blaring tv? - except when sponge bob is on, of course. that's just..irritating.
i'm worried about carol. she's more forgetful than i remember her being. it's the first thing i noticed when i went back to work in medical records. it will be up to roberta and me to look after her. not gonna let anything happen to my boss.
i started out tonight with ideas in mind to write about, but frankly, i'm too tired to do it.
a journal nobody knows about, yet it's right there on my other journal. i kind of like that.
i have been home for a little over an hour and a half from my weekend away, taking care of the sick. beth is getting over her concussion and is now on meds for her POTS syndrome. for a while, i was very concerned, but am glad she's being treated. and it was kind of fun playing mom again...cooking, watching out for her. talking, when she was awake. i feel like she'll be ok now.
she gave me something called zantrex-3 - a weight loss supplement she had been taking. the doctor told her she couldn't take it anymore. i tried it today - it has a lot of caffeine in it, and i'm a caffeine junky so it's right up my alley. i'll probably cut back on my coffee consumption while taking these pills, though. and i'll probably only take half the dosage, and only long enough to get my cravings back under control. i swear, i think lexapro makes me crave sweets.
on the whole, it was an interesting weekend. we toured costco - didn't see anything that great about it. i saw panhandlers at intersections, going from car to to car making their plea. now that's something you don't see much around here. it's sad.
and i managed to get us lost - i was the co-pilot, reading the directions off and somehow missed a critical exit. now how on earth did that happen? ::looking skyward::
she had several copies of rolling stone magazine - one anniversay copy that was interesting. the other had an article on how bush would be perceived in history - as one of the worst presidents? well...that's a no-brainer. but i loved the detail. the author made comparisons between lincoln and bush, the differences in their suspension of certain parts of the constitution, only lincoln did it the right way. and the article discussed how bush's rigidity in his stance would be costly. it has been...
in the anniversary issue, the rolling stone displayed covers from the magazine's inception and onward. it was like a blast from the past. there was one photo that was particularly moving - a photo of yoko ono and john lennon. you know the one, where he is nude and curved into his wife's body while she appears oblivious of his presence. spooky...he died shortly after that photograph was taken.
the weekend was different - i'll say that. and it was exactly what i needed. i just wish beth hadn't had to be sick for it to happen.
when we take trips like that, passing from town to town, i'm usually introspective, and one thing i do is wonder what it would be like to live in these places. and i wonder, too, about the older houses by the sides of the road - some of them abandoned, and what they're like on the inside.
and on some trips at night, i feel like a ghost, observing, or a peeping tom, when you pass by on the street and you can see people settled back in their chairs, lit from the glow of the television screen. what are they watching? are they having tea? coffee? are they all settled in for the night? it sparks my curiosity - not in a stalker kind of way, but in a way that makes me create in my imagination what their lives must be like. so i'm weird, i suppose...but completely harmless.
and now i'm home, and i'm not sure i wanted to COME home. perhaps i'm back in one of those little towns, or in the city i left, living a life that's different from the one i have, or perhaps i'm illuminated by the glow from the television screen and someone in a passing car has glimpsed me, and wonders what my life is like.
seems like just yesterday it was monday, and now it's wednesday evening and TOMORROW is friday eve!!!! and i get to leave early on friday!!!!!! :-D
there are no plans for the weekend - wait, it's mother's day weekend and i promised jan a carrot cake. and so i'll make that...and she would probably like a pretty candle for her bedside table, too.
this has been a good week - very busy with releases and typing and mailing...and i'm just a little bit tired, but not much. at one point today, i couldn't pull it all together. have had a strange headache for a few days and feel like my brain is fragmented. a few minutes of total peace and quiet might cure that. we'll see.
and now for the shower i promised myself.
until dawn. I woke before 5 a.m. and gave in to the need to write anything. And I did, in the private journal kept offline.
rusty. that's what i am. creaky like an old metal wheel that won't turn without effort, looking for a place to loosen up without making a spectacle of myself in the public eye.
but predawn is a good time to write down dreams and goals. I think the difference between those two is - dreams are what you don't set into motion. goals are what you work to achieve.
i'm not much of a dreamer anymore. my eyes are too full of goals, and my dreams never netted me anything more than a pang for what will never be. but i'm happy with something to work for and toward. and i have a lot of goals, lately. some i have already achieved, some will take time.
i originally intended this space to be for poetry, but have decided...i don't want to write odes to broken things that can't be fixed. that focuses too much on the past and what doesn't work anymore. i would rather focus on the future and what might be attainable.
no lost love, no grieving for what won't be. no allowing someone else to set my limits based on their hopeless version of reality.
in my very humble opininon, those who allow a perceived reality to stand in the way of what could well be happiness are afraid of failing. and perhaps afraid of living. they lack the passion for life and feeling and daring...but that isn't a fault. it's just...sad, because they must have been hurt badly at some point...
my way is reaching for it, experiencing it, learning from it if it does fail. and most of all, my way is living to the fullest. but that's just me.
i guess i'm anything but tepid. and i may be a lot foolish, but i could not live without the zest.