I told a friend last night I just don't feel like journaling anymore...that usually unlocks a boatload of entries, because tonight, if I don't get this down and out, someone will be scraping me off of the walls and ceilings tomorrow morning. I guess this really is my safety valve.
It was a rough day. The last few weeks have been rough, in fact, but I'm not feeling so much sorry for myself as feeling powerless. So God, if you're trying to drive the point home, you've done it...I am defeated - for now. But somehow, you always allow me to get back up again. Truth known, I don't know if I want to get back up this time. Seems easier to stay down where there isn't so far to fall.
This is the first time I've had to drag out the relaxation music, but tonight it's Canon - Variations on, and a version someone who was once dear to my heart sent over the internet, and Steven Cravis...First Light, Dancing Spirits...acoustic piano solos, and the daughter-in-law, angel that she is, has gone off in search of Blackberry merlot.
It was a helluva day at work. I've been filling in for the transfer coordinator, had all of 3 days - half days, at that, training. My little minor mistakes popped up today, all of them at once. My mistakes are mine..and I own them; they came at a bad time, though, on top of a weekend that was far from easy and a Monday I wasn't sure I would make it through.
It's just all so overwhelming. Steve, Daddy, Mama...new job. My daughter on bedrest because of her high risk pregnancy. Too many losses this year. There were gains, yet they don't seem to measure up to those losses at the moment.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself, and if I were, just a little bit, that wouldnt be such a bad thing. The fact is, though, I'm not. I'm just...feeling. Whether I want to, or not. I wish I could go back to uncomfortably numb. It wasn't the best place to be, but there, it didn't matter if everything was crashing and burning. I didn't feel it.
I wish I could go back to a time when everyone was well and happy, and if our situations weren't quite ideal, they were liveable. I would give anything for a Saturday night when Dad, Jack Daniels or Jim Beam, sang along with Fats Domino, Dad's leg propped up on the table, and just one more chorus, boys, and I'll be done for the night. God, I'm so much like him. He had Fats, I have whatever soothes me. Pachelbel, Winston, Janis Joplin..Blackberry Merlot.
I don't know what to do, anymore. It's all too heavy. And sometimes I let myself sink and wallow in everything that has happened or is about to happen, and I feel bad about doing that because...I'm not the only one going through this. And it isn't happening TO me, it's happening around me. My job right now is to watch what I don't want to see. And then there are people who are going through worse.
I don't know anymore what I'm supposed to do. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake to brand new strength and will be able to shrug off the mistakes and will find it easier to accept the losses that were and the ones that are coming. And like the friend who wrote to me last night, maybe I'll be able to reach pass my own pain and offer a hand to someone else who needs one to hold. I hope so.